Free Vacations

   While housesitting at my friend Graciela’s I came up with a plan for all Americans to beat high fuel prices and go on a free vacation.  It’s somewhat complicated but consider this: if everone housesat for somebody else, it would only require one person to actually go on a real vacation. You see if a person who can actually afford to go, say Bill Gates or a wealthy celebrity perhaps, left the country and chose a friend or family to housesit for them, then that lucky person could offer their home to someone else. It could sweep the nation. My husband, who is better than I at math and logic, informed me that no one would actually have to come up with the airfare, or go broke trying to fuel their gas guzzler. In his scenario, as I comprehend it, the first person just informs a friend that he or she intends to invade their home for a couple of weeks and they’d better find somewhere else to stay. So then, that person would go invade somewhere else. But I don’t know, his idea sounds less friendly. And there would be the problem of sending the message through the entire community of housesitters that the very last person needs to stay at the first person’s house. And you know how messages can get screwed up. I can imagine a scenario where the last person gets the garbled message “Go invade a foreign country.” instead of “Go invade the first person’s house.” Oh wait, I know, maybe the last person could just stay home. Maybe it should be the president. Let Laura go off with the celebrity or the Gates family. Maybe with some time alone at the white house the president would come up with one decent idea.
There would be a few things to work out–like schedules. The housesitting vacations would all have to occur at the same time. This could cause a bit of trouble, because who would there be to run everything while everyone was on vacation, or housesitting as it were? Oh well, the stock market is crumbling anyway.
Of course, if you don’t happen to have a home, you would be left out of the whole deal, and somehow that just doesn’t seem fair. Especially in light of the fact that there soon may be milllions more homeless people. Hey, wait a minute, how about the homeless people just running things for a couple of weeks? They need the jobs anyway, and for sleeping….well they could just sleep in the offices and motels that are available because nobody is going to them anyway. It has been my experience that homeless people are very resourceful and they would be totally capable of making do for a couple of weeks in an office building or even at an outdoor job site. I’m not sure it would be a good idea to have them run the government and the corporations, considering how annoyed they must be with those entities for being the root cause of their homelessness. But perhpas they’d cause some big changes if they were in charge, and things would get better. After all, the bar is not set high.
Here are just a few of the many advantages of housesitting. First of all, not only do you save the airfare, motel and eating out costs. You can actually save money because you don’t have to rent movies for the entire two weeks. That’s right. Your “vacation” home will most likely be stocked with a bunch of movies that you don’t own, and you can watch all of them if you want. You can have fun trying to guess who in the homeowner’s family is a trekkie with the entire Star Trek collection, including the Next Generation series with Picard, Data and that crew. You might discover Doris Day movies stacked in the back of the movie cabinet. I watched Gidget the other day and it did give me something to think about.
You should leave a couple of weeks of food for your guests. Everyone has to agree to this, so nobody has to go shopping while on “vacation”–you can just check out what’s in the freezer and cupboards…for free! You may be amazed by what you discover. If your friend has superior eating habits, you can pretend you’re at an exclusive spa that would otherwise cost you a mint. Watch your friend’s exercise videos. Go for walks in a new neighborhood. You will come home slimmer and healthier.
On the other hand, if your friend’s eating habits are a little more decadent than your own, and if you find the cupboards stocked with a cornucopia of forbidden foods, just relax. You’re going to have a great time splurging. Let’s face it, your diet would have fared worse out there in the real vacation world. Anyway, you can use some of your time in your friend’s home planning your next diet, and you can restrict what you eat a bit. I was able to limit my treats while housesitting to one or two a day. I experienced pleasures I have denied myself for years–like chocolate chip mint ice cream, graham crackers, and mmmm….Ritz crackers. If you find this brand in your friend’s cupboards you should compliment your host for knowing that these really are the best crackers made–those healthy ones you occasionally get are cardboard compared to the Ritz. I had a Neapolitan ice cream sandwich the other day–I didn’t even know they existed.
One issue that will have to be carefully negotiated and worked out to everyone’s satisfaction is whether you will take you pets with you or leave them behind. Personally, I think that if you have two pets you should leave one behind, and take one with. That way the animals will have a little break from each other and your pets may have the opportunity to meet a new friend.
Some people will not go anywhere without their pets. We are thos kind of people, and it’s fortunate that we are. Several years ago, when our debts were lower and the economy was salvagable, we were almost hoodwinked into joining one of those vacation “timeshare” deals that cost a fortune to buy into. Actually, we are not and never have been in the financial situation to be able to swing this. You see, I am always looking for a way to take a free vacation. We had withstood the brainwashing session once before and were rewarded with two days in a beach motel. But this time was different. We were being sucked in, thinking we could design a scheme to get in on the pyramid and interest the hospital personnel my husband had met during his years of nursing. You see we are dreamers and susceptible. They almost took our brains. We had already signed the papers. We were, in fact, at the point of consuming a free congratualaory glass of champagne, cheese and crackers. Our dog saved us. When we asked which timeshares would accommodate our dog, they responded that none of their facilities accepted pets. This shock helped us come to our senses. They were quick to point out that in most towns there was a doggie getaway that could house our dog. We emphasized that this was simply out of the question, as we were regaining full consciousness. Knowing how some pet owners can become, they let us out of the deal almost immediately–and we’d already gotten away with drinking the champagne and eating the cheese and creackers.
If your friend has an animal that they leave behind you will have a new pet friend and your pet will most likely have a new friend too if you introduce the animals carefully. You need to explain to your pet that it is the host pet’s territiory and they should be a good guest. If they listen to you at all they will probably understand this. And after you have all become acquainted, you will be connected to the universal pet/pet owners consciousness. You’ll have plenty of time on this vacation to reflect upon all the animals you’ve ever had, noting their special characteristics, their endearing capabilities and forgivable faults.
There should probably be legislation enacted against having parties in your friend’s home. This could lead to all kinds of clamities. Just take a trip through your friend’s book shelf and you will learn more about him or her than you have from years of yakking on the phone.
Now it may be true that you will not have money to go out during our two week stint. But remember, no one is going to be “out there” anyway according to the plan. It may begin to feel a little more like a forced meditaion retreat but really that’s okay. We probably all need it anyway, If you need an object for your meditaion look aroung to see what you can find in a new environment. As for me, I chose Graciela’s garden.